The Israeli Bandage and Gabby Giffords

The highlight of the AIPAC Policy Conference so far has been the exhibit on Israeli technological innovation in the AIPAC Village. The bottom floor of the Washington Convention Center, called AIPAC Village, is where D.C.'s annual auto show is held so it is the perfect location to display the America-Israel Racing's NASCAR race car, an electric car from Shai Agassi's Better Place, and an Israeli tank. However, the best thing that I saw in that exhibit was the first meeting between two men.

I happened to witness the first encounter between Bernard Bar-Natan and Daniel Hernandez. Both of these men contributed to the mitzvah of pikuach nefesh -- saving a life. Bar-Natan is responsible for developing the "Israeli Bandage" that was used to save Rep. Gabrielle Giffords' life after the assassination attempt that almost killed her. Daniel Hernandez had only been Rep. Giffords' intern for five days on the day of the tragic incident. Hernandez had the good sense to wrap Giffords' wounds with makeshift bandages until the paramedics arrived on the scene.

With Daniel Hernandez and Bernard Bar-Natan, CEO of FirstCare

When Bernard Bar-Natan was training to become a military medic in the mid-80's he noticed that some of the bandages they were using in the Israeli Army to stop bleeding were manufactured during World War II or even before. He began working on new bandages that would have a pressure bar built into the bandage itself. In the early 90's Bar-Natan was part of a technology incubator program in Jerusalem with a government grant allowing him to develop the bandage. Today, Bar-Natan's startup company, First Care Products in Lod, Israel, produces over 2 million bandages a year.

The Israeli Bandage helps stem blood loss, prevents infection and allows non-medically trained soldiers to stabilize a wound. American emergency management and law enforcement teams also use the Israeli Bandage. After the Israeli Bandage was used to stop Gabby Giffords' bleeding, Dr. Katherine Hiller, an emergency physician at the University of Arizona Medical Center remarked, "Without this care, it would have definitely been a different situation."

This bandage is just one example of how Israeli innovation is saving lives. While I haven't had the honor to ever meet Rep. Gabrielle Giffords in person, I felt truly privileged yesterday to meet two of the men responsible for her still being alive today. Watching them meet each other was a remarkable moment and one that I won't soon forget.

Miketz: Kim Jong Un, Joseph and Ultimogeniture

In biblical times the concept of primogeniture was practiced widely in the Ancient Near East. That is to say, the eldest son would inherit the entire estate to the exclusion of younger siblings. In Jewish law, the eldest son was promised a double portion of the estate (Deuteronomy 20:17). However, in the Book of Genesis we see that this is not the case. Rather, it is the younger brother who, time and again, receives the birthright (albeit through deception) and the promise of succession.

Throughout the Genesis narrative (what my teacher Rabbi Burt Visotzky calls "an ugly little soap opera about a dysfunctional family") the eldest son appears unsuitable to succeed as leader of the family dynasty and thus the younger son becomes the heir to the clan. With the sons of Adam and Eve, God chooses the younger Abel's offering instead of the firstborn Cain's sacrifice. Abraham is the eldest son of Terach, but when he leaves his father's home, he gives up the birthright to his younger brother Nahor. Abraham's firstborn son Ishmael is kicked out of the house and the patrimony goes instead to the younger Isaac. Then Isaac's younger son Jacob receives his father's birthright and coveted blessing through trickery. The trend continues when Jacob favors his younger son Joseph, the son of his true beloved Rachel. This favoritism of one son leads to horrible events for the family.

The last act of patrilineal ultimogeniture in the Book of Genesis is at the end of the narrative when Jacob blesses his grandsons Manasseh and Ephraim (Joseph's sons). The grandfather crosses his hands, laying his right hand upon the younger Ephraim and his left on the elder Manasseh, thus granting the birthright to the younger brother.

In this week's Torah portion, Miketz, we learn more about the interesting character of Joseph who flaunts his "most favored son" status in front of his brothers causing their enmity toward him. Joseph makes his dreams into a reality by lording over his brothers in Egypt when they come looking for food during the famine. While things seem to have worked out well for Joseph, we cannot ignore the series of unfortunate events (including his near death experience of being hurled into a pit by his brothers) that occurred because of ultimogeniture, the emergence of the youngest son as leader. (Technically Benjamin was the youngest son of Jacob, but Joseph was Jacob's favorite because his beloved Rachel died during the birth of Benjamin.)

Following the sudden death of North Korea's "Dear Leader" Kim Jong Il, we are beginning to learn more about his youngest son and the successor to his dynasty. The new leader of North Korea is Kim Jong Il's third and favorite son Kim Jong Un.

It will be interesting to see how Kim Jong Un's two older brothers respond to their younger brother's leadership. I don't suspect they will throw their brother into a pit or sell him into slavery, but I am certain there exists a fair amount of jealousy following their younger brother's transition to power. Perhaps the day will come when Kim Jong Un's brothers come to him in a time of need just as Joseph's older brothers had to come to him in Egypt during the widespread famine.

The lesson we can learn from the family in Genesis is that leadership succession in a family dynasty will always be wrought with emotion. Primogeniture might have been the way of the world in biblical times, but the younger brothers always emerged as the chosen successor. And so it is in our day. We can only hope that North Korea's new 28-year-old leader will rule with a level head. Joseph might have been in charge of the stockpile of food during a famine, but this young ruler is charged with North Korea's nuclear program. Let's hope his older brothers are able to put aside any animus and envy that exists so that sibling rivalry doesn't cause a grave situation that could impact us all.

Shabbat Shalom!

Israel's Raid on Entebbe - 35th Anniversary

I missed being born on America's bicentennial by only twenty days. July 4, 1976 was a momentous day for our nation, but I missed it.

It wasn't until about fifteen years later that I would learn that America's 200th birthday wasn't the only important event that occurred on July 4, 1976. As a high school student, I attended a United Synagogue Youth (USY) Jewish youth convention at a hotel outside of Detroit. I wasn't a board member of my congregation's USY chapter and as such wasn't allowed to vote in the election of regional officers. The "alternative activity" for non-voting convention attendees was to watch a movie. The movie selection was a 1977 film titled "Operation Thunderbolt."

The movie was about Operation Entebbe, the hostage-rescue mission carried out by the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) at Entebbe Airport in Uganda. A week earlier, an Air France plane carrying 248 passengers was hijacked by Palestinian terrorists and PLO supporters. The hijacked aircraft was diverted to Entebbe, outside the capital of Uganda. After landing, all non-Jewish passengers were released. Acting on intelligence from the Mossad, the IDF carried out a nighttime operation to rescue the hostages. The 90 minute rescue mission was a success, but the mission's commander, Yonatan Netanyahu, was killed in action.

Watching the film, I recalled learning about Yoni Netanyahu at Jewish summer camp and at Jewish day school. However, I never knew the story behind his death and heroism. I was fascinated by the planning that went into the mission and the subsequent rescue of the hostages. From the movie, I learned about the ruthless dictatorship of Uganda and its villainous leader Idi Amin.

I've watched "Operation Thunderbolt" several more times since that first time in a hotel conference room. I've also seen the movie "Raid on Entebbe" with Charles Bronson, James Woods and Peter Finch and "Victory on Entebbe," which was released in 1976 shortly after the rescue mission and stars an impressive cast of Anthony Hopkins, Burt Lancaster, Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Dreyfuss.

Following the rescue mission, the government of Uganda convened a session of the United Nations Security Council to seek official condemnation of the Israeli raid as a violation of Ugandan sovereignty. The Security Council ultimately declined to pass any resolution on the matter, condemning neither Israel nor Uganda for the terrorist act.

In his address to the Security Council, Israeli ambassador Chaim Herzog said: "We come with a simple message to the Council: we are proud of what we have done because we have demonstrated to the world that a small country, in Israel's circumstances, with which the members of this Council are by now all too familiar, the dignity of man, human life and human freedom constitute the highest values. We are proud not only because we have saved the lives of over a hundred innocent people—men, women and children—but because of the significance of our act for the cause of human freedom."

I hope we continue to teach this important event to children so they, like me, will take pride in Israel's rescue of innocent civilians. This operation was a courageous, well-planned mission to save the lives of the hostages.

At that USY convention I was at first disappointed not to be allowed to vote in the election of officers, but upon reflection I am grateful that I wasn't able to vote. Instead I was offered a glimpse into history and I learned that July 4, 1976 was much more than America's bicentennial. It was an unforgettable day for Israel and in the worldwide fight against terrorism.

Dancing at Auschwitz

The Holocaust Memorial Center in Detroit, Michigan is the nation's first Holocaust memorial. It was originally located in a building connected to the Jewish Community Center in West Bloomfield. It was this Holocaust museum that I toured with my grandfather when I was twelve-years-old and listened to him explain that many of his family members -- my relatives -- perished in the Shoah.

Several years ago that Holocaust museum moved to a new location a few miles away in Farmington Hills. The space that was originally occupied by the Holocaust Center is now a teen center where Jewish youth come to watch movies, play video games, eat pizza, and compete in pool and ping-pong tournaments. It is also where hundreds of Jewish teenagers come to dance to loud music.

The symbolism is not lost on me. This space was originally dedicated as a museum to pay tribute to the victims of the Shoah and to memorialize the six million souls who perished. It was a solemn space to educate about the Holocaust so that history wouldn't be repeated. But today, it is a space where Jewish young people (many the grandchildren and great-grandchildren of Holocaust survivors) can celebrate that "Am Yisrael Chai" -- the Jewish people have endured. Hitler and the Nazis were not successful because the Jewish people are alive today and our children sing and dance at the Jewish Community Center and in the location originally consecrated as a museum of memory.

It is in this spirit that I embraced the YouTube video of a Holocaust survivor dancing with his grandchildren to the tune of Gloria Gaynor's song "I Will Survive" in front of Auschwitz, the Nazi concentration camp. The original video, which was viewed over 500,000 times in one day, has since been removed from YouTube for a copyright violation. However, it was likely removed due to the controversy it created. The reposted video is below.

Australian Jewish artist Jane Korman filmed her three children and her father, 89-year-old Holocaust survivor Adolk, in the video clip "I Will Survive: Dancing Auschwitz." The clip depicted the Korman family dancing in front of Holocaust landmarks in Poland, including the infamous entrance sign to Auschwitz death camp reading "Arbeit Macht Frei," a Polish synagogue, Dachau, Theresienstadt, and a memorial in Lodz.

Her father at one point in the clip even wore a shirt on which the word "Survivor" was written. During a recent family visit to Israel Korman said that she thought of the idea after she encountered hatred toward Israel and Jews in Australia and added that she wanted to give her concerns presence during the heritage tour of Poland she recently took with her family, and take a different approach to the matter.

Haaretz newspaper reported that "Many Jewish survivors have reacted gravely to the video, accusing her of disrespect. Yet Korman told Australian daily The Jewish News that 'it might be disrespectful, but he [her father] is saying 'we're dancing, we should be dancing, we're celebrating our survival and the generations after me,' - the generation he's created. We are affirming our existence.'"

This is clearly a work of art, but it is also a powerful message that no matter how horrific and catastrophic were the acts committed by the Nazis in the last century, the Jewish people are still having children and grandchildren, and we are dancing together in joy all over the earth. Even on the land that buried millions of members of the Jewish faith, the Jewish people are still rejoicing with our future generations.

What do you think about Holocaust survivors dancing with their grandchildren at Auschwitz?

Even the Weather in Jerusalem Has Become Political

Cross-posted to Jewish Techs

The LA Times Babylon & Beyond blog reported on Sunday that Apple has reunified Jerusalem.

Has Steve Jobs become a United Nations peacekeeper? Did Apple release a new app that unites the holy city of Jerusalem during these tense times? Maybe you thought Jerusalem had already been reunified several decades ago.

Well, it turns out that even the weather in Jerusalem has been politicized. Yahoo, who runs the Apple iPhone Weather app with information gathered by Weather.com changed created two choices for viewing the weather in Jerusalem – East Jerusalem and West Jerusalem. This is different than the designations on Yahoo's own site and on the Weather.com site.

Edmund Sanders reports from Jerusalem for the LA Times:

Right-leaning Israeli politicians like to refer to Jerusalem as their "undivided capital." But iPhone users here and around the world found recently that the storied, disputed city had been split in two.

In the smart phone's weather application, the listing for "Jerusalem" disappeared earlier this month and was replaced by "West Jerusalem" and "East Jerusalem."

Both Israelis, who dominate the west part of the city, and Palestinians, the majority in the east, claim Jerusalem as their capital. Israel annexed East Jerusalem after the 1967 Middle East War, though Palestinians (and most of the international community) never accepted it.

The debate over how, or whether, to divide Jerusalem is still one of the thorniest issues in Mideast peace talks.

Perhaps frustrated with the lack of progress in the peace process, iPhone engineers apparently decided to impose their own mini-version of a two-state solution by partitioning the city and, in essence, forcing users to pick sides.

A similar change took place on Yahoo's weather site, which gave users the option of checking the temperature in "Jerusalem, West Bank, Palestine" or "Jerusalem, Israel."

Reaction was mixed. A few Israelis and Palestinians got a kick out of the option, even though temperature information and other data were identical for East and West Jerusalem.

But many Israelis, here and in the U.S., took deep offense and accused Apple, the company that makes the iPhone, of "political propaganda."

One Jewish advocacy group, American Israeli Action Coalition, called the changes "extremely hurtful to the American Israeli community" and said they "smack of anti-Semitism." Israel's U.S. ambassador reportedly sent a letter of protest to Apple chief Steve Jobs and Yahoo chief Carol Bartz.

Well, it turns out that both Apple and Yahoo reversed their political decision and reunified Jerusalem.

The following statement was released: "The issue for the iPhone Weather app has been fully resolved. The fix was pushed to all production servers and verified…. This resolves both the issue with the default weather location Jerusalem as well as searches for “Jerusalem”, “East Jerusalem” and “West Jerusalem". One note: Users who have already added the locations “West Jerusalem” or “East Jerusalem” on the Weather app will continue to see these names on the client until they remove these locations and add Jerusalem again."

Rahm Emanuel's Son's Bar Mitzvah & Religious Pluralism in Israel

As I was preparing to board a plane home at Israel's Ben Gurion International Airport a few weeks ago, I followed the news reports that Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel's son's bar mitzvah would be moved outside of Jerusalem for security concerns. Rahm Emanuel and his Hollywood agent brother, Ari Emanuel, brought their families to Israel on vacation and for their respective son's Jewish rite of passage. Apparently, protesters were heckling the Emanuel family's delegation as they toured Jerusalem's Old City because of the Obama Administration's purported views on Middle East affairs.

Ultimately, Zach Emanuel's bar mitzvah went ahead as planned at Robinson's Arch, the archaeological site along the remaining Southern Wall of the Temple at which Conservative and Reform rabbis are allowed to officiate at bar and bat mitzvahs. The two cousins had their b'nai mitzvah on a Sunday, perhaps to confuse paparazzi, and it was officiated by each family's rabbi --Rabbi Jack Moline, of Rahm Emanuel's synagogue (Congregation Agudas Achim in Alexandria, Virginia) and Rabbi Kenneth Chasen, of the Reform Leo Baeck Temple in Los Angeles where Ari Emanuel's family belongs.

Having recently spent the early dawn hours of Shavuot at Robinson's Arch, known as the "Masorti Kotel" since the Masorti/Conservative Jews can pray there freely, I was thrilled to read the op-ed in the Jerusalem Post by Masorti Movement CEO Yizhar Hess about the Emanuel boys' b'nai mitzvah and the lack of religious pluralism in Israel, especially at the Western Wall (Kotel).

Hess took the opportunity of this newsworthy double bar mitzvah to focus on the Ultra-Orthodox control of the Western Wall, including the plaza. He writes:

The [Emanuel] family stood together, prayed together. There was no mehitza [separation between the sexes]. Some women donned a tallit [prayer shawl]. There was an abundance of Judaism, an abundance of Zionism and an abundance of love.

It is sad that one cannot pray in the same way at the main Western Wall Plaza. For a decade now, the Masorti Movement has been facilitating prayers at the Masorti Kotel. This is a forced arrangement. The majority of the world’s Jews pray without a mehitza, but when they come to Jerusalem, to the most symbolic site for Jewish prayer, they are forbidden from praying together. The Kotel, whose holiness has enthused Jews from all over the world, has been transformed into a haredi synagogue.

The Masorti Movement has never relinquished its right to pray at the Kotel, but has agreed, in compromise and with great pain, to hold its prayers at the [Davidson] archeological park.

With all of Israel's international struggles right now, one would hope that it would strive to solve this matter of domestic disharmony. Here's hoping that when Rahm Emanuel returns to Jerusalem for his daughter's bat mitzvah, the family will be allowed to mark this rite of passage at any part of the Kotel they choose -- and be free from protesters and paparazzi.

Synagogues Charging for Legroom & Desirable Seats

Stand-up comic and blogger Heshy Fried wrote on his Frum Satire blog yesterday that shuls (synagogues) "in the New York metropolitan area are going to be charging premium prices for premium seats, like those with more legroom" in order to raise more money in these challenging financial times.

This got me thinking that synagogues aren't really all that different than the airlines in this regard.

• Synagogues charge membership dues; Airlines have frequent flyer membership
• Synagogues pass out candies during the service (throw candy at bar mitzvah boy after successful layning); Airlines pass out food during the flight (don't throw peanuts at pilot after successful landing!)
• Synagogues have Kiddush Clubs; Airlines offer Scotch too
• People doze off mid-service; People doze off mid-flight
• Synagogues charge more for good seats (by exit); Airlines charge more for good seats (by entrance)
• People pray in synagogues; People pray on airplanes (use tefillin at your own risk)

I'm sure it won't be long before synagogues follow the airlines and start charging for bags too ("Sir, that is an extra-large tallis bag and you'll have pay $15 if you want to bring that into the shul").

These comparisons really shouldn't come as a surprise. After all, both industries are hurting financially right now and are looking to reinvent themselves in a competitive market. Is it really any wonder that the airline named Spirit is currently on strike?

Rabbi Nesenoff's 25,000 Pieces of Hate Mail

Cross-posted at Jewish Techs

Before this past weekend, Rabbi David Nesenoff was a virtually unknown rabbi who lives and works on Long Island. When his teenage son finished his high school exams and uploaded a 2-minute video of Helen Thomas expressing her anti-Israel views on the Whitehouse lawn, Nesenoff gained global fame. That 2-minute video on his RabbiLIVE.com website brought Helen Thomas' long career in journalism to an abrupt and embarrassing end.

In addition to the media inquiries, Rabbi Nesenoff has also received some 25,000 messages of hate in the past few days since uploading the Helen Thomas video for worldwide consumption. Tonight, he updated the RabbiLIVE.com website to read:

RabbiLIVE.com reported a story from the White House lawn.

We received over twenty five thousand pieces of hate mail. Emails will be continuously posted TONIGHT.

"Because of indifference, one dies before one actually dies." 

-Elie Wiesel

Nesenoff and his son, the site's webmaster, will post some of the nastiest, hate-filled email messages they received without concealing the sender's name or email address.

The first posting to the site includes the text "Helen Thomas was right" followed by profanity and an apparent threat to the rabbi and his family. The sender also attached a photograph of death row inmate and convicted mass murdering cult leader Charles Manson with a swastika tattoo between his eyes.

This is undoubtedly not what Rabbi Nesenoff expected when he posted the now famous Helen Thomas video.

BP Oil Spill Hits Day 50

If BP was trying to make a Jewish connection to the oil spill off the Louisiana coast, they got it all wrong.

Yesterday marked the 49th day of the BP oil spill. Perhaps BP was going for the Hanukkah story connection, which is "The Oil lasted for 8 days." Instead, BP got confused with the Jewish holiday of Shavuot, which is 49 days of counting the harvest and the 50th day (Shavuot) is the anniversary of the giving of the Torah on Mt. Sinai.

Hopefully this environmental mess will be remedied soon as the effects on wildlife are certainly a violation of the Jewish principle of "tzar ba'alei chayim" -- the responsibility to treat animals ethically.

Google Doodle for Israel

Cross-posted to Jewish Techs

Google.com's logo has quickly become one of the most recognizable corporate logos. It also has been changed more than any other logo, sometimes even daily.

According to the Wikipedia entry, "The current official Google pop logo was designed by Ruth Kedar, and is a wordmark based on the Catull typeface. The company also includes various modifications and/or humorous features, such as cartoon modifications, of their logo for use on holidays, birthdays of famous people, and major events, such as the Olympics." When Google adapts its logo for special occasions it is called a "Google Doodle." I was curious to know whether Google would honor Israel yesterday on its 62nd anniversary of statehood with a special Israel-themed Google Doodle.

Well, it did and didn't. There was no Israeli Google Doodle on the U.S. Google search engine site, but the Israel version of Google featured a Google Doodle with an Israeli flag (pictured).

The first Google Doodle was in honor of the Burning Man Festival in 1998. The doodle was designed by Google founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin, who were attending the Burning Man, as an "out of the office" notification.

Israelis are already familiar with Google Doodle because of the Doodle 4 Google competition in 2008. Google Israel invited first to 12th grade students to reinvent Google's homepage logo around the theme "My Israel" for Israel's 60th anniversary. Google Israel received thousands of wonderful doodles and chose 40 drawings which would go on to the next stage. The winning doodle, selected from over thousands of entries, was created by Ilona Flaxsman, an 11th grader from Givatayim.

Ilona's doodle graced the Google Israel homepage on June 30th, 2008. Ilona described her Google Doodle on the website: "My picture has simple symbols that everyone is familiar with. A white dove, known for bringing peace, and the flag with the colors that make it distinctive. The fact that we have a country that is 60 years old is testimony to many things (strength, hope, unity…). And what remains to achieve is peace. We all hope that some day a white dove will fly bearing witness to this."

Another Google Doodle for Israel appeared on Israel's version of the search engine in 2008 for Israel's 60th birthday and had an Israeli flag with the number 60 replacing "oo" in "Google" behind the flag. It's reprinted on the Googlified blog in which the blogger adds the Wikipedia definition of Yom Haatzmaut (Israel Independence Day) followed by the phrase "Now talk about being controversial."

Hopefully in the future Google will pay tribute to Israel on her Independence Day with a Google Doodle on the U.S. version of the Google.com website too.

Zayde Richard Goldstone, Not Judge Richard Goldstone

There's a concept in Judaism named "ma'aseh avot siman l'banim," which roughly translates as "the deeds of the ancestors are a sign for the children." Of course, this phrase can be used positively, but it's most often used in a negative context.

I thought of this phrase recently when I read that Bernard Madoff's daughter-in-law legally had her last name and her children's last name changed from "Madoff." Madoff's grandchildren will forever be plagued by the actions of their grandfather - "ma'aseh avot siman l'banim."

Now, it has been reported that Judge Richard Goldstone has been barred from attending a family simcha - his grandson's bar mitzvah ceremony. The South African Goldstone was the head of a United Nations-appointed commission that investigated the Gaza war in the winter of 2008-09. The commission's final report accused Israel and Hamas of war crimes and possible crimes against humanity.

The JTA reports that "Following negotiations between the South African Zionist Federation and the Beth Hamedrash Hagadol in Sandton, an affluent suburb of Johannesburg where the event is due to take place, an agreement was reached with the family that will keep Goldstone from attending the synagogue service early next month."

I thought the Goldstone Commission's report was a one-sided attack on Israel. In fact, I recall feeling so relieved when I spent an hour listening to former Ambassador Dore Gold refute the Goldstone Report point-by-point. However, on the issue of whether Judge Goldstone should be allowed to attend his grandson's bar mitzvah, I find myself siding with the South African jurist.

The synagogue should recognize that in this case, they are not dealing with the author of a United Nations report that harshly criticized Israel's actions. Rather, they are dealing with a zayde who wants to celebrate his grandson's life-cycle milestone.

I'm sure the concept of "ma'aseh avot siman l'banim" will come to play in other aspects of the lives of Richard Goldstone's family, but in this case this was not the correct decision.

Update: April 26, 2010

From JTA.org

Richard Goldstone will attend his grandson's upcoming bar mitzvah in South Africa, following an agreement with local Jewish groups. The South African Jewish Board of Deputies brokered a deal between Goldstone and community organizations angry with Goldstone for his authorship of a U.N. report on Gaza war seen as grossly unfair to Israel. Under the agreement, Jewish groups agreed not to protest during the bar mitzvah celebrations and Goldstone agreed to meet with the leadership of South African Jewish communal organizations, according to an e-mail released late Friday by both Goldstone and the Board of Deputies. The meeting, to be hosted by the South African Zionist Federation, is set to discuss the Jewish community's reaction to the Goldstone report, which accused Israel and Hamas of war crimes and possible crimes against humanity.

“My whole family feels joyful that we’ll be able to celebrate the bar mitzvah together,” Goldstone told JTA following the agreement.

The South African Jewish Board of Deputies said it "respectfully requests, in light of the agreement reached, that all parties immediately desist all public activities on this matter so that the young man's bar mitzvah celebration can be returned to the privacy and dignity that it deserves."

Goldstone originally had planned to skip his grandson's bar mitzvah next month after the Zionist Federation threatened to protest Goldstone outside the synagogue.

Marriage Ref Middle East

As tensions between the United States and Israel seem to intensify, it looks unlikely that President Barack Obama will be able to broker a peace agreement between the Israelis and the Palestinians. So, I was thinking of who might be the best negotiator to sit down with Bibi Netanyahu and Mahmoud Abbas.

Jerry Seinfeld seems to have come up with a successful idea with his new TV show "The Marriage Ref" and that got me thinking...

Good Yichus: Names and Heritage

In Judaism there is a concept called "yichus," which basically means lineage or pedigree.  In popular parlance "good yichus" is used to describe someone with connections to a distinguished family. I was thinking about this term the other day while reading Time Magazine's very witty Joel Stein's column.  Stein decided to research his geneology and see what kind of yichus he has. He did this reluctantly at the urging of Friends star Lisa Kudrow who is the executive-producer of NBC's upcoming Who Do You Think You Are?

Kudrow tried to convince Stein to care about his own past, even though he believes, "What my great-great-great-grandfather did isn't any more interesting to me than what your great-great-great-grandfather did, especially since in both cases it was farming." Somewhere in the article, hidden between Stein's jokes, he realizes that he's actually interested in learning more about his family tree including his great-grandfather Reuben who left Russia to avoid army service. In fact, his search to uncover more information about his heritage leads him to reconnect with a cousin, who provided more insight into their yichus.

I read two other articles that day that focused on bad yichus. The first article was about Bernard Madoff's daughter-in-law who went to court to legally change her last name, along with her children's last name. To avoid embarrassment and the occasional death threat, Stephanie Madoff filed court papers in Manhattan asking to change her last name to Morgan. As I read this news, I thought of my good friend who was so excited to recently learn that his wife is pregnant with a boy who will carry on his family's last name into the next generation. Names are so important to us because they are the link to our history; to previous generations of our family. With the Madoff case, here was an example in which Bernie Madoff's son Mark watched his children be stripped of his last name in order to lose the link to that part of their heritage.

Finally, I read about the upcoming book written by the son of a Hamas leader who reveals that he spied for Israel. Mosab Hassan Yousef, the 32-year-old Palestinian who converted to Christianity, escaped the West Bank in 2007. In his memoir "Son of Hamas," he discusses his years as one of Israel's most valued informants inside the Hamas terrorist organization. This is an example in which both father and son are angered and ashamed of their yichus. The JTA reports today that "Sheik Hassan Yousef, who has been held in an Israeli prison since 2005, said in a statement released Monday that he, his wife and other children disown his oldest son (who worked undercover for Israel's Shin Bet agency for ten years). The statement reportedly was smuggled out of the prison." And on the flip side, the son has disassociated himself from his terrorist father.

So, yichus can be both positive and negative. Some are proud of their heritage and others are ashamed of it. Either way, however, a family tree tells the narrative.

Too Jewey - Purim 2010

For some reason, whenever the Jewish holiday of Purim rolls around, my brain uncontrollably starts coming up with parodies, satires, spoofs, and just plain silliness.  Here's a collection of the news items circulating in my head. Happy Purim!

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TOO JEWEY! 

By Rabbi Jason, the Official Rabbi of the 2010 Olympic Games
Sponsored by Toyota: "Toyota... We're Unstoppable!"

Jewish Music at the Olympics: From Reggae to OyVey

VANCOUVER - With the decision to use Matisyahu's song "One Day" as the official Winter Olympics theme, Jewish people around the globe undoubtedly celebrated that Jewish music was now cool. I mean, it's the Olympics! Jews are used to "members of the tribe" creating hit music for the masses, but it usually comes in the form of Christmas music (see Irving Berlin, Mel Torme, etc.). Well, it appears there wasn't much time for rejoicing because just as millions of people were getting Matisyahu's upbeat song stuck in their heads, along came a brother and sister duo to set Jewish music back a couple hundred years.

As soon as they learned they had to prepare a folk music tribute to their native Israel, the Zaretsky figure skating team of Sasha and Roman apparently ran to Wikipedia and searched for "Stereotypical Jewish Music."  Their "Hava Nagila" rendition was apparently the Zaretsky's best guess at what the shtetl of Eastern Europe would have looked like at weddings if only they had ice rinks. And as if their first attempt at skating to "The Music of the Yid" wasn't schmaltzy enough, they came back the next night and gave a performance that only Mel Brooks could love. While the Israeli skaters' tribute to the Holocaust was rather quite moving, I can't imagine that Steven Spielberg watched it thinking, "Gosh, I can't believe I didn't go with the ice dancing motif for Schindler's List."

For those Jewish people who didn't feel like the ice dancing competition at this year's Winter Olympics touched on enough Jewish stereotypes, get excited for the next Olympic games when all Jewish figure skaters will be required to have their mother on the ice during performances yelling at them to put on a jacket or they'll freeze!

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Rabbi Avi Weiss Chains Himself to Female Rabbi

The Orthodox Rabbi best known for chaining himself to buildings in protest and leading rallies for Jewish causes is now in big trouble.  Riverdale NY-based Rabbi Avi Weiss ordained a female rabbi over a year ago. However, instead of calling her anything close to "Rabbi," he sneakily chose to give her an acronym as a title: "AWSHIT," which apparently stands for Avi Weiss Says He Is Tenacious. No doubt, the name was Weiss's way to let the Ultra Orthodox know how he felt. But they didn't seem to really mind the title he granted to Sara Horwitz, until he updated it to "Rabba."


Now, the Orthodox are calling for Avi Weiss to be excommunicated and banished to Siberia. The irony, of course, is that this is a man who fought so hard to get Jews out of Siberia in the first place. In protest, Rabbi Avi Weiss has chained himself to Rabba Sara Horwitz in an act of solidarity. The Ultra-Orthodox have claimed that this is fine with them, so long as Avi Weiss doesn't dance with the woman.  In other news, the Conservative Movement now claims that Rabba Sara Horwitz is an aguna (a "Chained Woman") and has granted her an immediate get (bill of divorce) from Rabbi Weiss.

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HamanTosh.0 - New Comedy Central Series

Currently, Comedy Central has a weekly series ("Tosh.0") that shows all those funny videos from the Web that have gone viral. Well now, Comedy Central is proud to introduce a new series that replays all the videos from the Web that are virulent.  Any video starring an Iranian in a "Members Only" jacket will be shown on "HamanTosh.0," beginning on February 31.  Check local listings for airtimes.

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Conservative Movement Goes for Trifecta

With its numbers in sharp decline, the Conservative Movement of Judaism is deeply invested in change. In an effort to grab media attention, the centrist movement of modern Judaism is now looking to go for the Trifecta. In a press release prepared by TMZ.com, Jewish Theological Seminary Chancellor Arnie Eisen explained, "First we shocked the world by allowing gays and lesbians into our esteemed institution to become rabbis.  Next week, we will quickly make the move to grant admission to intermarried men and women.  And, I'm pleased to announce that beginning on April 1st, we will unveil a new program designed to ordain disgraced celebrities as rabbis and cantors at JTS. 

We have already invited some big-name, dishonored celebrities to apply to our program. Rabbi Danny Nevins, Dean of the Rabbinical School, said, "Don't be surprised to see Rabbi Tiger Woods by the end of the year."  Also expected to be studying at the Conservative Movement's flagship institution will be Mark McGwire, who also plans to pursue a master's degree in pharmacology at JTS, and the gun-toting NBA star Gilbert Arenas. Classes in "Anger Management" and "Press Conference Contrition" will be added to the curriculum.

In what is perhaps the most shocking news to come from the Conservative Movement is that the new United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism CEO Rabbi Steven Wernick has been replaced by former vice-presidential candidate John Edwards, who took the job with the stipulation that a day care center be opened at the USCJ headquarters.

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First Ever NASCAR Bris

Following the news that a Bar Mitzvah will take place this June at Yankee Stadium before a championship boxing match, NASCAR has announced that it will hold a Bris (ritual circumcision ceremony) at its next championship race at Talladega SuperSpeedway.  The Bris will be sponsored by Fast Eddie's Chop Shop ("You Steal 'Em, We Deal 'Em"). Due to the fact that 100,000 fans will be waiting for the Formula One race to begin, there will only be 2 minutes allotted to the ritual Jewish ceremony, but that's no problem as NYC circumcisor Phil "Sling Blade" Sherman (emohel.com) has promised to race his way through the procedure in chop-chop fashion. However, if the race is about to begin, Sherman said he'll just have to cut it short.

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Rabbi Condemns Bud Selig Statue

Bud Selig, the Jewish Commissioner of Major League Baseball (MLB), is being honored with a statue outside of Miller Park, home of the Milwaukee Brewers (which Selig owns - Yes, a Jewish owner of a sports franchise... shocking, I know!). Unfortunately, the statue may never be erected because Selig's own rabbi is standing in the way. Rabbi Ann Heiser-Busch of Congregation Beth Ale in Milwaukee (on the Miller Brewing Company Campus) explained that most people think that she is against the erection of the statue honoring her famous congregant on the grounds that the Torah clearly prohibits the creation of a graven image of a human being because it is idol worship. However, Rabbi Heiser-Busch cited as her objection the fact that the construction workers would have to inject themselves with steroids to build up the necessary strength in order to lift the Bud Selig statue. When asked to comment, Commissioner Selig asked, "What are steroids?"

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New Personal Mechitzas Not Good Enough

What's a Haredi Jew to do when he travels on a plane? It seems like the whole aviation industry is against him. First, the kosher meals are served cold and soggy. Then, there's not enough space in the overhead compartment for his hat box. And the latest attack is that the flight attendants are convinced he's strapping bombs to his head and arm in the form of tefillin.  The worst part about air travel for the Ultra Orthodox is that a member of the opposite sex (e.g., a woman) might occupy the next seat.  However, a new product on the market solves that problem.  The Personal Mechitza is just what the Rebbe ordered.  This barrier not only separates the sexes and keeps the immodest neighbors on the plane from view, but it also guards against the scandalous in-flight movies.

However, now rabbis are complaining that these personal mechitzas aren't good enough. Rabbi Haskel Lookoutstein, an advisor to the FAA, explains that it's possible a Reform Jew worked in the factory where the Personal Mechitza was made and came in contact with the apparatus. Or, he went on, what if one is using a Personal Mechitza and the person in the seat next to you sneezes and some of the treif they're eating flies over the top of your Personal Mechitza and gets on your Extra-Glatt Kosher meal? That is why Rabbi Lookoutstein recommends putting up an extra mechitza around the Personal Mechitza.  In fact, he says that the most pious will simply purchase every seat in the row and put up the new Glatt Mechitzah L'Mehadrin.

Torah Bright Gets Gold

In synagogues, Jewish people put bright gold on the Torah (gold breastplate and crown). As we saw tonight in Vancouver: In the Olympics they put GOLD on Torah Bright (a gold medal).

Torah Bright has to be the best name for an Olympian who just won a gold medal. As she ascended the highest part of the podium to receive her gold medal during the ceremony, I'm sure many Jewish people noticed the symbolism of someone named "Torah" being displayed to the people atop the heights, as it is reminiscent of the Torah being displayed atop Mt. Sinai.

The Australian Torah Bright, a devout Mormon, was surprised before her snowboarding competition (half pipe) that her parents drove six hours, flew 20 more, then hid in a closet at her home in Vancouver so they could celebrate her gold medal with her.

I'm sure that after the Olympics, back home in  Australia they will have a parade for their Gold Medal snowboarder. No doubt, the Jewish community in Australia will refer to the day as Simchat Torah!

Minyans That Don't Meet & Toyotas That Don't Stop

Rabbi Gerry Skolnik taught my senior seminar in rabbinical school and I've continued to learn from him since graduating from the Jewish Theological Seminary (JTS) through his weekly column for The New York Jewish Week and now his blog called "A Rabbi's World.".

After hearing that an 86-year-old man crashed his Toyota into the front steps of Rabbi Skolnik's synagogue, the Forest Hills Jewish Center, last week after the car's accelerator stuck, I went to his blog hoping to get the rabbi's first-hand account of how the Toyota gas pedal recall was affecting his synagogue in a very real way. But, instead of blogging about how this elderly man mistook the Queens synagogue for a drive-thru, Rabbi Skolnik wrote about another interesting topic: What happens to the daily minyan when there's a blizzard? (He would have generated more traffic to his blog had he written about the Toyota recall instead of the minyan. I'm just saying.)

In his post titled Balancing Obligation and Common Sense, Rabbi Skolnik discusses the dilemma he faced after last week's East Coast Blizzard (termed "Snowmageddon" by President Obama) when the treacherous driving conditions made it dangerous to hold the morning minyan (prayer services) at his Forest Hills congregation. He had to balance the obligation of saying the Mourner's Kaddish (his mother passed away recently) and the obligation to not put one's life (or his congregants' lives) in unnecessary danger.

He writes, "Actually, there are discussions in the Talmud around the idea of 'mitigating circumstances' as they relate to prayer, but I don't know of any that relate to blizzards."

The need for a quorum of ten Jewish individuals (only Jewish men in Orthodox synagogues) in order for mourners to recite the Kaddish prayer is taken very seriously, and so the decision to cancel the minyan is a difficult one. Rabbi Skolnik explained his decision in his blog:

I decided that the obligation to safeguard one's health under any and all circumstances can, in a situation like a blizzard, mean that one might not only be allowed to, but actually be required to stay inside, and not walk or ride to a synagogue during potentially dangerous weather - even if saying kaddish for a parent.  There are other ways to honor the soul of the departed, most significantly, to study Torah.  Kaddish is universally recognized as "what one does," but there are other gestures of respect that elevate the soul of the departed closer to God.

While the snowfall in Michigan last week couldn't rival the East Coast's blizzard, the morning driving conditions were treacherous here too. But when I received an early morning text message from Rabbi Aaron Bergman of Adat Shalom Synagogue letting me know that I would be the tenth at the morning minyan, I jumped in the car and headed over. There's something exhilarating about being #10 in a minyan and knowing that the mourners wouldn't be able to fulfill their obligation without you. Driving down the snowy streets, I felt I was on an important mission (a police escort would have been helpful).

Traditionally, the daily minyan has been a very important part of Jewish life.  But I also think my teacher, Rabbi Skolnik, made the right decision. While it is commendable that he wanted to honor his late mother with the words of the Kaddish prayer, I'm sure that she wouldn't have wanted him to risk driving in those conditions. And so, by calling off the minyan he honored his beloved mother too.

From Gilad Shalit to Omri Casspi

Evangelical Pastor John Hagee's organization Christians United for Israel holds huge pro-Israel events in cities across the United States called "A Night to Honor Israel." The other night was a busy one for me, and I feel like it was my own little "Night to Honor Israel."

My evening began at a screening of the documentary film "Family in Captivity" about the Shalit family's campaign to pressure the Israeli government to be more aggressive in demanding their son's release from Hamas terrorists. Israel Defense Forces soldier Gilad Shalit has been held in captivity for over three years after being abducted through the Kerem Shalom crossing in Israel.

The film is a gripping tale of a very low-key family, that runs a bed and breakfast in the beautiful Western Galilee settlement of Mitzpe Hila. I found the hour-long film difficult to watch at times. Even before becoming a father I struggled to watch movies in which children are kidnapped (e.g. Ransom). Now that I'm a father, I make it a point to avoid such movies. I made an exception for this documentary because the issue is so dire. Watching the film, I realized how important it is that people all over the world unite in demanding Gilad Shalit's return from captivity.

The most distressing part of the film for me was the scene in which Gilad Shalit's father, Noam, met with former United States President Jimmy Carter. I don't often criticize U.S. presidents. In fact, I believe in the importance of showing respect to our nation's presidents and yet I cannot refrain from expressing the angst I felt watching the way Jimmy Carter communicated with Noam Shalit. And I wasn't alone. The entire theater booed after listening to Jimmy Carter speak with utter disrespect to a man fighting for his kidnapped son's safe release.

Noam Shalit asks Carter if he was able to deliver his letter to his son's captors. Chewing gum throughout the entire conversation, Carter doesn't seem to have any empathy for Mr. Shalit. Carter can only describe the devastation he saw in Gaza. In a very self-aggrandizing way, he tells Gilad's father that Hamas would only accept the letter from him. The former president comes off horribly in the film. Before seeing the film, I read an article in which Noam Shalit says that the fact that Carter is not considered pro-Israel could be beneficial in securing his son's release.

I'm wondering how many Jewish people who accepted Carter's recent apology for his anti-Israel rhetoric will see this film and have second thoughts about how genuine Carter's apology was. In fact, many believe that the apology only came about because his grandson, Jason Carter, is considering a run for state senate, although Carter has denied a hidden agenda.

From the film, I headed over to a synagogue for the annual inter-congregational Men's Club dinner. The speaker was Oakland County's sheriff, Michael Bouchard. I thought the fact that Bouchard, a republican, recently declared himself a candidate for Michigan governor made him an odd choice for this non-political event. The sheriff spoke about his recent trip to Israel and the lessons he learned from the Israeli police. His speech centered on how Islamic terrorism must be curtailed. It was a speech one would expect a candidate for governor to deliver to a couple hundred Jewish men in an area that has the largest Arab population outside the Middle East.

I left the Men's Club dinner and headed out to The Palace of Auburn Hills to watch the Detroit Pistons host the NBA's first Israeli player. I actually cannot think of another major professional sport that has had an Israeli player. Omri Casspi came to Detroit for the first time and, like other NBA cities with Jewish communities, there was a large contingent of Israelis and Jewish fans in the audience to welcome him.  Casspi is having a great rookie season for the Sacramento Kings.  It was fun watching the fans waving large Israeli flags, which made it on to the jumbo video screens ("Palace Vision") often throughout the game. I don't remember the last time so many local fans cheered when an opposing player scored.  The only downside was that the Pistons lost a hard fought game. I must admit that it was odd to watch an opposing player hit a three pointer over my favorite player (Rodney Stuckey) and I actually cheered (see photo).

A few days before his Detroit visit, Casspi scored 18 points against the New York Knicks at Madison Square Garden's Jewish Heritage Night.  His welcome to NBA cities by Jewish fans has been great and that energy and excitement has been covered throughout the media including in the NY Times.

Here's hoping Gilad Shalit will be released from captivity soon and be able to watch his fellow Israeli, Omri Casspi, play in an NBA game.

Jon Stewart on Hamas Cartoons

Last night on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, the host seemed willing to take a chance on a not-so-funny comedy skit for the sake of delivering a strong political message. On an episode when the Jewish host racked up more Yiddishisms than normal (Brian Williams later attempted his own Yiddish too), Jon Stewart showed some shocking footage of Hamas-sponsored children's cartoons containing centuries old anti-Semitic stereotypes.

Through a hole in a public restroom wall, Jon Stewart operated a Hasidic bagel puppet with a kippah on its head. He reviews Hamas children's cartoons spewing hatred and delivers a political message noting how "they wonder why this conflict is so intractable and hope so fleeting." The Daily Show staff must have had some fun turning the conclusion of a Scooby Doo episode into an anti-Semitic cartoon in which the head of programming was old man Hitler who would have gotten away with the crime "if it hadn't been for those meddling Jews and their talking bagel."

There was really nothing very funny about the bit, but Jon Stewart was able to forgo a few minutes of humor for a chance to do what organizations like MEMRI and CAMERA do every day -- inform the public about the messages of hate that Hamas directs to Palestinian children through the medium of television cartoons.

What made Jon Stewart decide to do a skit like this? After all, it was an unusual segment for Comedy Central's Daily Show. My guess would be that he might be trying to appease his large pro-Israel following after a show this past Fall in which he appeared overly critical of Israel. As CAMERA documents on their website: "In a segment dealing with the Palestinian-Israeli conflict, Stewart hosted Palestinian politician Mustafa Barghouti and anti-Israel agitator Anna Baltzer. Barghouti presented a familiar narrative of Palestinian grievances of the kind often heard. But it was the pairing with Baltzer that sparked indignation among many viewers. Fortunately, the segment's producers edited out much of Baltzer's misinformation about Israel, making the version that was broadcast substantially less objectionable than the original taping."

The Huffington Post reported on Jon Stewart's attempt to get some laughs from the serious subject of Hamas propoganda: "In a segment geared toward children, a shocked Jon Stewart rolled clips of Hamas cartoons that depict Jews and Israelis as evil, blood-drinking psychopaths. Even Stewart's "Story Hole" partner, Dr. Bagelman was appalled, as each clip left the two with their jaw (or bagel slice) dropped. Bagelman, a stale Hasidic bagel "thrust through a rest-stop hole in a bathroom wall," recognized that the blatantly anti-Semitic cartoons were most likely Hamas's retaliation for his old kids show, "Jewby Doo."

Here is the segment from the February 2, 2010 episode of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart:

Goldstone Report and Dore Gold

I first met Dore Gold, the former Israeli ambassador to the United Nations and foreign policy adviser to Bibi Netanyahu, a few years ago at a Jewish National Fund event. I was very impressed with what he had to say and how articulately he said it. Therefore, I was excited when I was invited to hear Ambassador Gold speak about the Goldstone Report this past week at a private lunch for local rabbis.

The Goldstone Report is the independent fact-finding mission created by the United Nations Human Rights Council and led by a South African jurist to investigate international human rights and humanitarian law violations related to the Gaza War. I had read several articles about the report and had seen Dore Gold debate Justice Richard Goldstone (video below), but was interested to ask him some questions about how Israel will respond to the report. Sure enough, at the luncheon arranged by AIPAC, Mr. Gold didn't disappoint. He was able to translate the 575-page report full of legalese into easy-to-understand language. (Even he admitted that getting through the report in preparation for his debate against Justice Goldstein required much coffee and Advil.)

Ambassador Gold characterized the report as a way to de-legitimize Israel (the report says that the Israeli Defense Forces deliberately killed innocent Palestinians). He pointed out that the report doesn't merely state that the IDF used excessive force or ignored the laws of proportionality, but that the Israeli Army intentionally targeted civilians (as part of its program). The report, he explains, attacks Israel's very foundations. Some might be surprised that a Jewish judge (Goldstone) who has a daughter living in Israel would come to such conclusions. However, based on the history of the United Nations' relationship with Israel over the past six decades, the report should not come as a shock.

Goldstone cites eleven cases where there was "no fog of war" and yet Israeli soldiers killed innocent Palestinians. In perhaps his best refutation of the Goldstone Report, Dore Gold points out that early in the report, Goldstone admits that it was difficult to obtain information about these questionable attacks through Palestinian testimonies because the Palestinian civilians were afraid to talk about it because they were scared of retribution. Later in the report, however, Goldstone cites individual testimony from these Palestinians as proof of the eleven cases where there was "no fog of war."

Further, Gold points out that Hamas was using Palestinians as human shields and storing weaponry in the basements of schools during Operation Cast Lead. Contrary to what Goldstone reports, the IDF went above and beyond to warn the Palestinian civilians of impending attacks on locations where they knew weapons were being kept (leaflets were dropped and even phone call warnings were made to home and cell phones).

There will be debate among Israelis (and the world) as to how Israel should respond to the Goldstone Report. The New York Jewish Week interviewed Moshe Halbertal, co-author of the Israeli military code of ethics, who said that Israel's refusal to conduct an independent, thorough probe of its military’s handling of last winter's 22-day war against Hamas in Gaza as demanded by the United Nations is a "missed opportunity."

The article stated that "Israel has said its Gaza incursion occurred in response to a nearly incessant barrage of rocket fire by Hamas terrorists in Gaza on Israeli civilians. It said the large number of Palestinian civilian casualties was because Hamas terrorists fought Israeli troops from civilian areas. Israeli media reported this week that Netanyahu, Defense Minister Ehud Barak and Israel Defense Forces Chief of Staff Gabi Ashkenazi favored a limited review of the war by a committee of senior Israeli jurists. They would be permitted to question political and military leaders, as well as Israeli military officials who investigated UN allegations of war crimes, but would be barred from interviewing officers and soldiers who took part in the war."

Harvard professor Alan Dershowitz published a lengthy rebuttal of the Goldstone Report in the January 31st Jerusalem Post online issue in which he calls the report a "study in evidentiary bias" and refers to Goldstone as an "evil, evil man" and a traitor to the Jewish people.

However the Israeli government ultimately decides to respond to the Goldstone Report, after listening to Dore Gold discuss the inherent problems and factual errors of the report, I'm glad the Israeli prime minister is consulting with him. He really seems to understand what was underlying such a one-sided UN report. Here is the video of Dore Gold responding to Justice Goldstone at the Brandeis University debate:

Oh! The Plane's Gonna' Blow!

This is a poem I wrote about the incident last week when a Jewish 17-year-old boy caused a U.S. Airways flight to be diverted because the flight attendant thought his tefillin (phylacteries) were a bomb. It's based on "Oh, the Places You Will Go!" by Dr. Seuss.

Oh, the Plane's Gonna' Blow!
By Rabbi Jason Miller
(With Apologies to Dr. Seuss)

Mazel Tov!
On the plane you shall pray.
You're off to Louisville!
Takin' off from LGA!

You have tefillin on your head.
You're travelin' with New York Jews.
You can pray in any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know. If there's turbulence, the Amidah you will forgo.

The flight attendant will see your odd boxes. Look'em over with care. Then she'll say, "Hey Kid, whatchya' got on over there." With your arm full of leather and your shuckling feet, you're too frum to take your seat.

She'll tell the pilot the plane will go down. In that case, of course, you'll head to a new town. Since your tefillin looked so silly, you'll touchdown right in Philly. You'll say, "The box on my hair? You really need not fear!"

Up there things can happen and frequently do, by people much more Middle Eastern than you.

And when things start to happen, don't worry. Don't stew. Just go right along. They'll soon realize you're a Jew.

Oh, the Plane's Gonna' Blow!

You'll be on your way up!
You'll let out a sigh!
You'll soon join Bubbie for soup in KY.

You'll be just fine because you'll have prayed. The feds will say "Oops, Sorry!" for the mistake that was made. Wherever you fly, you'll have learned quite the lesson. With tefillin no more will you be messin'.

Except when you do.
Fly El Al as a Jew.

Please promise us that you will no longer fear. These Hang-ups can happen when you fly U.S. Air.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant phlum. And the chances are, then, that you will still be frum.

Oh, the plane's gonna' blow! There is prayer to be done! You must say thanks to your Lord. You've done the right thing son. And the magical thing you do with a leather strap, will make you the most famous Jewish chap. No Shame! No one will think you're just a rube, the world will learn about tefillin on YouTube.

They still won't get it. But you shouldn’t fret it.

I'm afraid that some times you'll pray sans phylactery. On a plane, in a train, or by that Ol' Factory.

Daven Alone!
Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you'll do quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance you'll meet people scared by your Jewish way. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that won't know that a tefillin is what you lay.

Kid, innocent you are
And you'll go far.

So… be your name Birnbaum or Schwartz or Levy or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O'Bevy, you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your Bubbie is waiting.
So… daven away!


Glossary:

• Amidah = The central prayer in the Jewish liturgy, which is recited standing.
• Shuckling = Yiddish meaning "to shake." The ritual swaying of Jewish worshipers.
• Frum = Yiddish meaning "religious."
• Daven = Yiddish meaning "pray."