Sheryl Sandberg's Wise Words in the Face of Tragedy

One of the most challenging aspects of being a rabbi, in my opinion, is finding the right words to bring comfort to those mourning following the tragic death of a loved one. Aside from the traditional Hebrew phrase we offer mourners, I often find myself left with only four words to offer to those grieving: "There are no words."

After my infant nephew died and people were at a loss for words, I simply uttered, "There are no words." Truthfully though, there are words. And the words aren't necessary from those who are offering comfort. Sometimes the most meaningful words are from the mourners themselves. Those who are in pain from grief can actually find tremendous comfort in their own words.

This was not the case in the Torah following one of the biggest tragedies. After the sudden death of two of Aaron's sons, the Torah explains how the father handled his grief. Using only two words, we are told "Vayidom Aharon," Aaron was silent. So often, silence is the most natural way for mourners to deal with the shock of a sudden death of a loved one. However, after time ones own words may bring comfort.

Credit: Scott Eells/Bloomberg via Getty Images

Such was the case today with Sheryl Sandberg, the Facebook executive whose husband, Dave Goldberg, died suddenly last month. In a Facebook post today on the occasion of the completion of the sheloshim (30-day) period, Sheryl posted a beautiful and inspirational message on her public Facebook account. Her aim was to give back some of the words that were most helpful to her during her period of immense grief. She writes that she received wisdom and advice from close friends and strangers alike. She specifically singles out her close friend and Detroit native Adam Grant, who taught her three things essential to resilience. Sometimes rather than try to come up with the right words to offer to a mourner, we should just listen.

Sheryl's Facebook post has already been shared close to 40,000 times and major media outlets have helped circulate it. Mark Zuckerberg, Robert Scoble, Randi Zuckerberg and many other leading technology executives have commented on her post as well. Sheryl's words are too important and impactful not to share:

Sheryl Sandberg:

Today is the end of sheloshim for my beloved husband—the first thirty days. Judaism calls for a period of intense mourning known as shiva that lasts seven days after a loved one is buried. After shiva, most normal activities can be resumed, but it is the end of sheloshim that marks the completion of religious mourning for a spouse.

Senseless: Terrorism During Prayer

I really didn't want to write this blog post.

This morning, I thought about writing something about the tragedy in Jerusalem, but my stomach told me "no." I just didn't have the energy to do it. I awoke this morning feeling better than I had in the past couple of days as I was "down for the count" with the stomach flu. When my eyes opened at 6 AM, I thought about how I didn't feel nauseous. But then I grabbed for my phone, took one look at the "Breaking News Alert" on the screen, and then my stomach immediately returned to that queasy feeling I thought I had beaten.

Through still sleepy eyes, I read something about a terrorist attack in a Jerusalem synagogue during morning prayers. And then I read the words "gun, knives and axes." It was a bloody mess in the Har Nof synagogue. Miraculously there were only five murders. It could have been a lot worse. No doubt, the terrorists were planning a massacre.

I didn't want to write about this. As David Horovitz expressed today, "Nobody wants to write on a terrible day like this, but there are some points that have to be made, nevertheless.

Associated Press

Today's terrorist attack really hit home. Rabbi Aryeh Kupinsky, one of the four rabbis who was brutally murdered while davenen (praying) had Detroit roots. He grew up a dozen miles from me in Oak Park, Michigan (a suburb of Detroit). He was a student at Akiva Hebrew Day School, the Orthodox cousin to Hillel Day School, the Conservative day school that I attended. No doubt we had mutual friends growing up. No one could have ever imagined that his life would be cut short in such a gruesome way. (3 of the 4 rabbis were American, including Rabbi Moshe Twersky, grandson of Rabbi Joseph Soloveitchik.)

Mourning 11 Days of Unclehood

I hadn't planned to walk 3 miles this past Sunday morning. It was not because I don't enjoy exercise. A 75-minute Spinning class is part of my typical Sunday morning routine. But on a cold and windy late April morning in Michigan, my wife, three children and I completed a 3-mile trek along a nature trail an hour from our home. It was an annual fundraiser walk to benefit the March of Dimes. My family unfortunately got to know the importance of the March of Dimes' newborn screening program late last year.

I've been a fan of SavvyAuntie.com since its early days on the web and always dreamed of being a Savvy Uncle though I know it doesn't quite roll off the tongue like "Savvy Auntie". While I have three wonderful children of my own, I have always looked forward to becoming an uncle. When my wife's sister announced she was due with her first child about a year ago, my excitement level rose. Unclehood was within reach.

Rylan Foster Gelb 12/3/2013-12/14/2013

On December 3, 2013 I became an uncle. I was ecstatic. On my personal blog I wrote about what a blessing it was for me to become an uncle. That might sound silly since I was already blessed with my own awesome and healthy biological children, but I enjoyed a wonderful relationship with my own uncle during my childhood and I was eager to try to replicate that special bond with my new nephew.

Sadly that high was short lived. Only a few days into my new role as an uncle I learned that my nephew Rylan Foster Gelb had been born with a rare genetic disorder. My sister-in-law and brother-in-law would come to learn more about that genetic disorder only because it was diagnosed through the newborn screening, which is a test researched, funded, and advocated by the March of Dimes. Tragically, my nephew was simply too sick to recover and he passed away on his eleventh day of life. He never left the hospital. He died cradled in his parents' arms. He died looking like a perfectly healthy baby.

Prayers After the Boston Marathon Tragedy

Driving yesterday afternoon I heard on the radio that two bombs had gone off at the Boston Marathon and I immediately said a private prayer. Then my thoughts quickly turned to the people I knew who were running the race. I was on my way to the Jewish Community Center and as soon as I got there I sent a text to a mutual friend to make sure a friend who was running in the marathon was okay. I immediately got a response that she and her family were fine because she had finished the race so quickly (her personal best) and crossed the finish line 15 minutes before the bombs went off.

I then went on Facebook using my phone to check on another friend, Noam Neusner from Washington D.C., who runs the Boston Marathon each year. His Facebook page was already filling up with concerned friends asking if he was okay. Noam's wife Andrea, who waited over ten hours to hear from her husband in New York City on 9/11, then posted that he had finished the race several minutes before the explosions and was fine. Then his own posts began at about 4 PM to let people know he was fine: "Hi everyone I'm fine. Didn't hear explosion, but it's bad. Pls pray for the victims, this is bad."

An event like the attack at the Boston Marathon changes the narrative. How interesting that the marathon runners are now reporting their finish times as "20 minutes before the blasts," "15 minutes before the blast," and so on. And I'm sure there are runners who are thinking of how fortunate they are to have not been running faster as their slower pace kept them from being affected by the explosions.

Scammers Add to the Tragedy of Noah Pozner

Cross-posted to the Jewish Techs blog at The New York Jewish Week

When the names of the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut were announced, Jewish media outlets immediately published articles about the youngest victim Noah Pozner, the Jewish 6-year-old who was laid to rest earlier this week in a traditional Jewish funeral officiated by the family's rabbi, Shaul Praver of Congregation Adath Israel in Newtown.

As if the story of this tragedy couldn't get any worse news reports have surfaced that individuals have sought to capitalize off the Pozner family's heartache. A man named Jason Martin rushed to purchase the internet domain noahpozner.com. After the Pozner family had the noahpozner.com website transferred to its ownership, Victoria Haller, Noah's aunt, emailed Martin. He wrote back that he'd meant "to somehow honor Noah and help promote a safer gun culture. I had no ill intentions I assure you."

The purchase of noahpozner.com wasn't the least of the surprising acts done by individuals not associated with the Pozner family. It was what was published on that website. Adding to the grieving family's sorrow, someone the family didn't know began soliciting donations in Noah's memory, claiming that they would send any cards, packages and money collected to his parents and siblings. An official-looking website had been set up at noahpozner.com, even including petitions on gun control.

According to an AP story, Noah Pozner's uncle, Alexis Haller, "called on law enforcement authorities to seek out these despicable people. These scammers are stealing from the families of victims of this horrible tragedy." Noah Pozner's family learned of the scam after a friend received an email asking for money for the family. The email was poorly punctuated and listed an address for donations with which the Pozners where unfamiliar.

While scams such as this one against the Pozners are all too common following a tragedy, it is still disturbing to the majority of people who live ethically. It is also outrageous that this family in mourning should have to deal with such a travesty and be hassled with having to deal with these scammers.

Ken Berger, the president and CEO of Charity Navigator, was quoted in the AP article. He said, "It's abominable. It's just the lowest kind of thievery."

The noahpozner.com website now displays the eulogy his mother delivered at his funeral as well as several photos of the adorable 6-year-old who loved tacos. Donations to Noah's Ark of Hope can be made on the site and a disclaimer clearly states that "This is the only official website for payment to directly and solely benefit the siblings of Noah Pozner."