Mourning 11 Days of Unclehood

I hadn't planned to walk 3 miles this past Sunday morning. It was not because I don't enjoy exercise. A 75-minute Spinning class is part of my typical Sunday morning routine. But on a cold and windy late April morning in Michigan, my wife, three children and I completed a 3-mile trek along a nature trail an hour from our home. It was an annual fundraiser walk to benefit the March of Dimes. My family unfortunately got to know the importance of the March of Dimes' newborn screening program late last year.

I've been a fan of SavvyAuntie.com since its early days on the web and always dreamed of being a Savvy Uncle though I know it doesn't quite roll off the tongue like "Savvy Auntie". While I have three wonderful children of my own, I have always looked forward to becoming an uncle. When my wife's sister announced she was due with her first child about a year ago, my excitement level rose. Unclehood was within reach.

Rylan Foster Gelb 12/3/2013-12/14/2013

On December 3, 2013 I became an uncle. I was ecstatic. On my personal blog I wrote about what a blessing it was for me to become an uncle. That might sound silly since I was already blessed with my own awesome and healthy biological children, but I enjoyed a wonderful relationship with my own uncle during my childhood and I was eager to try to replicate that special bond with my new nephew.

Sadly that high was short lived. Only a few days into my new role as an uncle I learned that my nephew Rylan Foster Gelb had been born with a rare genetic disorder. My sister-in-law and brother-in-law would come to learn more about that genetic disorder only because it was diagnosed through the newborn screening, which is a test researched, funded, and advocated by the March of Dimes. Tragically, my nephew was simply too sick to recover and he passed away on his eleventh day of life. He never left the hospital. He died cradled in his parents' arms. He died looking like a perfectly healthy baby.

Speechless: Mourning For My Nephew

“When Bad Things Happen to Good People” – Those words, the title of a book by my teacher Rabbi Harold Kushner, keep echoing in my head. Tragedy has struck my family. We planned to go to Chicago last week where I would have the honor of being both the uncle and the rabbi at my newborn nephew’s bris. Instead we're headed to Chicago today – a week later than planned – where I will have the unfortunate responsibility to be both the uncle and the rabbi at my nephew’s funeral. We're grieving.

A little more than a week ago I searched the Web for an appropriate blessing to say on becoming an uncle. Not finding anything, I wrote my own blessing. Last night I searched the Web desperately seeking what one says at the funeral of an 11-day-old baby. The answer is nothing. We're speechless.

When my nephew was born I wrote about Abraham of the Torah and his role as uncle to Lot. He took his nephew under his wing, cared for him and protected him. Today I unfortunately look to another uncle in the Torah. Moses mourned the death of his two nephews Nadav and Avihu. The Torah relates that the boys’ father -- Moses’ brother Aaron -- was speechless. So too must Uncle Moses have been in his mourning of this sudden death. We're in shock.

On the Shabbat when the Torah portion was Parashat Vayechi (And he lived), my nephew died. On the Shabbat in which we learn of the blessings Jacob bestowed upon his sons, my sister-in-law and brother-in-law began to come to terms with the harsh reality that they will never bless their son as Jacob did. On the Shabbat when the Congregation of Israel stands upon finishing the first book of the Torah and, preparing to open the next chapter, proclaims “Chazak chazak v'nitchazek” (Be strong, be strong and let us be strengthened), my family feels weak. From creation there will be no next chapter for my nephew. We're weakened.

Baruch Dayan Ha-Emet. May the soul of my innocent nephew Rylan Foster Gelb (Yitzchak Chaim) be bound up in the bond of eternal life and may he rest in peace. There is no more to say.

A Blessing On Becoming An Uncle For the First Time

"Uncle Jason" -- I really like the sound of that! Yesterday evening as my children and I kindled seven Hanukkah candles on the hanukkiyah, I received the anticipated phone call from my wife who was at a hospital in Chicago with her sister. "It's a boy," she said, and with those words I became an uncle. I told my children and watched them jump for joy with the news that they now had a first cousin.

The Hebrew word for uncle is dod (דוד), which sounds a lot like the word "dad." It is also the same word the Torah uses for beloved. A quick etymology search on the website Balashon.com informed me that the Hebrew dod is related to Syriac דדא for uncle or beloved, Mandaic, Nabatean and Palmyrene "dada" meaning father's brother and the Arabic "dad" for foster-father. Balashon.com explains that the Hebrew dod is the most ancient Hebrew word for love and was probably a primitive caressing syllable taken from the sound "da-da" that babies make.

Becoming a Savvy Uncle

As a member of the SavvyAuntie.com group of experts, I am periodically asked to contribute blog posts to SavvyAuntie.com, the website created by Melanie Notkin. Since I am not an aunt myself (and never plan to be one), I often write about an aunt or uncle of mine or even my kids' aunt. In my recent blog post for SavvyAuntie.com I wrote about how excited I am to finally, God willing, become an uncle:

I was one of the first guys among my friends to become a daddy. And fatherhood has dominated my life in a great way over the past decade. With three kids I often forget what my life was even like BC (before children).

While I'm very content begin a father, there has been something missing. I've been watching my friends become uncles for years. Even though I cherish my relationship with each of my kids, I've been eagerly awaiting “unclehood.” You see, my relationship with my late uncle was a special one. For ten years before Uncle Jerry had kids of his own I got to play basketball and tennis with him, go for long bike rides, and attend professional hockey games. He taught me to do fun things. He gave me my first summer job. And he always treated me a little older than I actually was – something uncles are supposed to do. Even as Uncle Jerry got children of his own, we still had that special uncle-nephew relationship. There are just things that uncles can do that dads can’t.

With my Uncle Jerry

Playing Golf with My Deceased Uncle

My Uncle Jerry passed away in February 2009 and I miss him every day. However, I seem to miss his presence more over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend which comes to a close today. Thanksgiving was his favorite holiday and we always spent it together. I recently wrote this tribute about him and how he influenced me to start playing golf. While we never played golf together, I feel like his spirit is with me each time I step onto a golf course in the same way that we believe the presence of the prophet Elijah is with us at each bris in the Jewish tradition. Here's my tribute to my beloved uncle:

My Uncle Jerry began playing golf in his 40s. He really fell in love with the sport and encouraged me to take it up too. He regretted that he had waited so long to embrace golf and cautioned me to not wait until I was too old that I'd also regret not having started sooner. Unfortunately, he died of pancreatic cancer at the young age of 54 before we ever had the chance to play a round of golf together.

While I would have loved to have played 18 holes with him, he is very much a part of my own golf game today. I took up golf three years ago while I was still mourning my uncle's death. I played my first few rounds wearing his FootJoy golf shoes and using his clubs. I could hear his voice before each shot I took. I heard his advice, his sarcasm, his laughter, and his disappointment when I didn't follow his recommendation.

Uncle As Father Figure

The past three Father’s Days have been difficult days for me. I’ve spent each of them with my dad, but I missed my beloved uncle in a real and painful way. My Uncle Jerry died after a very brief battle with Pancreatic cancer in February 2009.

As this year’s Father’s Day approached I thought about the father figure role that many uncles play in their nephew’s life. I have a wonderful relationship with my own dad, but my relationship with my uncle was different. He served as a different type of role model for me than my father. My uncle was the one to take me to hockey games and for a ride on the back of a motorcycle. We went on day-long excursions by snowmobile or by boat. It was my uncle who taught me to appreciate an ice cold beer on a hot summer day and a fine glass of wine with good friends as the sun was setting.